People tell you remember your not alone when you feel anxiety but that doesn't make it go away. I found out 2 weeks ago that my dad has cancer. The same dad that's always loved me so much and the same dad that has difficulty understanding depression and anxiety.
Living with him now he asks me how my days been, how I slept last night and when I keep it in and withold the truth I feel his frustration and sadness and worry for me cos I'm giving one word answers and not smiling. I can feel his worry. So occasionally like tonight I tell the truth. I tell him I slept terribly again, I was up all night feeling sick with anxiety and that the reason Im not worried about being late to work again is because I'm trying to be easier on myself as oppose to beating myself up all day for sleeping in. He doesn't understand. He just wants to hear good and when it's not good he doesn't know what to say. Except " well hopefully you'll sleep better tonight and you will eventually get into a routine soon". It breaks my heart that he has to worry about me on top of everything else but it also breaks my heart when I see his face when I barely communicate. It really frustrates me that he thinks that hoping will make it go away. Don't you think that's all I do. I can't control this dad and I'm so sorry but I just can't. Anxiety is something that I can't control all the time, sometimes I can but sometimes I just can't. I know that noone really knows what to say in these situations but I just wish that he could understand what I'm going through. I don't know why people understanding me is so god damn important to me. So important that I can't control tears and emotional outbursts when certain people don't. I'm doing the best I can but this life is hard. And now more than ever I feel so alone. I came here because I needed their support, and I'm not ready to let it go yet. But I have to now. It's a bigger picture and his cancer is more important and more serious and more scary than my depression and anxiety. I just feel like I've lost my walking stick, my rocks, my shoulder to lean on and without any good friends here I can really comfortably confide in, without the fear of being abandoned again due to my intensity and neediness I feel more alone than ever. I know I have to learn to deal alone but it's just so hard. I want a boyfriend, a best friend a soulmate someone who can always listen, hold me and take care of me and make me feel better. I'm learning but I'm not there yet and it's like someone has just pulled off my training wheels and I'm so scared I'm gonna fall. Because life is so hard by yourself. I just have to keep going on and all I can do is hope and try harder and not beat myself up and use everything I've been taught and things will be ok. And like Dr Malroney said, be patient. This ADHD is tough and frustrating and it will take a good 2 years for my normal self esteem to come back and my behaviors to become unlearned, with the aid of medicine, time, examples of success and detemination. Strength and patience. Do it for your children's sake if not your own happiness. All I can do is keep trying and hope because how else could we go on if we didn't have faith that this will all be over soon. I might not be able to control your stomach churning or my body tensing or my ADHD at times but with persistence and patience it will get easier. I can control my mind sometimes. Just breathe. It doesn't matter that they don't get it. It doesn't matter what they think. One day the person who completely gets it will arrive. One day.